Love Languages For Teens: Quality Time

Quality time requires a longer time commitment than the other love languages. Physical touch or words of affirmation can be given in seconds, while quality time takes much longer and will require parent's undivided attention. In a busy and technological filled world, this love language can be tricky because everyday tasks, cell phones, and televisions can take away from quality time. For those of you who are parents to a child whose love language is quality time, this will require setting aside dedicated, uninterrupted time with your teen. 

According to Dr. Chapman, "the central aspect of quality time is togetherness" (Chapman, 2010, p. 76).  What determines this love language is not your proximity to your teenager, but rather the feelings of connection and closeness. For example, you may watch a movie one night with your teenager. Despite taking time out of your evening, sitting in the same room with them for a couple of hours, your teen may walk away from the time spent together feeling lonely. However, your teenager could also walk away from your time together feeling loved and connected to you (2010). It depends on how your teenager interprets their quality time with us. Confusing, right? So how can we ensure that we are spending close, meaningful time with our teenager? We can make this happen by intentionally ensuring that your teenager feels that they are the centre of our attention. We communicate this with our body language and words that our teenager is more important than the activity we are partaking in with our teenager. 

Although in-depth conversations are not always necessary for spending quality time with your teenager, it is a significant portion of it. It is helpful to know how to create an accepting, positive space where teens and parents feel comfortable sharing their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Here are some tips for having a quality conversation with your teenager: 

1) Make and maintain eye contact

This communicates to your teenager that they are the focus of your attention and respect what they are saying. This also helps us from our mind wandering or getting distracted. While making eye contact, hold back from eye-rolling, making faces that communicate disgust or disapproval, or looking down or away from your teen (Chapman, 2010).

2) Don't multitask while your teen is talking to you

Being on your phone, reading, watching tv, and doing chores while our teen is looking for quality time can unintentionally communicate to our teenagers that they are not important. If we are doing something that we are interested in or cannot immediately stop- be honest and tell your teenager: "I know you would like to talk to me, and I would like to as well. I want to make sure I give you my full attention. Can you please give me 10 minutes to finish this, and then we can talk?" (Chapman, 2010).

3) Listen for feelings

While listening to your teen, what emotions are they experiencing? Once you have an idea, communicate this to your teen. "Sounds like you're feeling sad because…". If you're worried about getting the emotion wrong- feel free to ask your teenager how they feel. This allows us to communicate to our teenagers that we are listening to what they are saying (Chapman, 2010).

4) Observe body language

Another way to assess how your teens feel is by checking their body language. Clenched fists, fidgety hands, crying, a scowl can also help us determine how our teen feels. Sometimes our teen's body language doesn't always match up with what their words are saying, so asking for clarification can help understand how our teenagers are feeling (Chapman, 2010).

5) Don't interrupt

Being interrupted while we are talking can feel discouraging and shut down the conversation. At this point in our dialogue, we do not want to become defensive, correct, or provide advice to our teenager so early on. Our goal is to listen to and understand our teens thoughts and feelings (Chapman, 2010).

6) Ask reflective questions 

Reflection can help us to understand our teenagers better and to clear up any misunderstandings. Reflect back what your teen has said to you, "I hear you asking…", "It sounds like you are saying...Is that correct?" (Chapman, 2010).

7) Express understanding 

After you've reflected on what your teen has communicated to you, express your understanding by validating or empathizing with what your teen has said. "I can see how that would be very difficult for you", "It sounds like you think that would be a lot of fun". To express understanding does not mean that you agree with your teen but instead shows your teenager that you understand and hear them (Chapman, 2010).

8) Ask permission before sharing your perspective

Once we have asked reflective questions and expressed our understanding, we can ask our teenagers if they would like to hear our opinion. If our teen says yes, then we can express our thoughts, feelings, and ideas. If our teen says no, then that's the end of the conversation (Chapman, 2010)

Some teens are looking to be heard, rather than for a solution. Just like all of us, we want to be respected, heard, and understood. If you or your teenager want more information about love languages or would like to strengthen the bond between you and your teen then contact me to find a time to connect. The next language to be discussed in this blog series is acts of service, stay tuned! 

References:

Chapman, G. D., Dr. (2010). 5 Love Languages of Teenagers: The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively. Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing.